- People are much kinder down South. Southern hospitality ain’t no joke. We’re real dickheaded up North.
- Western New York pizza and wings are a particle-sized price to pay for real soul and comfort food. Country, Cajun, Creole—goddamn!
- You can ask five different people for directions and get five completely different answers. Some include: I don’t have a watch, or, I like water.
- Once you go west of the Mississippi, all bets are off—or on!
- Arkansas is the place to be. It’s so flat, with the darkest nights. Also, Little Rock isn’t little.
- Fuck Ohio! (Except Cincinnati… I guess.)
- There are Minnesota North Stars fans in Nashville, Tennessee. One asked about my North Stars t-shirt which I purchased in Toronto, Ontario before heading back to Buffalo, New York.
- You can purchase firearms very easily down South. Or cocks, chickens, hares, and ducks. But, take heed! Roosters are harder to care for than you think!
- If you help save five pit bull puppies on the side of the road everyone will be happier. And you will name them Shakira, Thurman Thomas, Snake Dog, Louis, and Louise.
- A small black chick in a St. Louis Blues jersey can tear a mic apart at a garage party.
- Many black chicks love white guys down South, and many of them are not shy about it.
- If you can talk your way in and out of things up North, down South it’s amplified tenfold.
- You can meet a good ol’ Southern boy who acts and looks 21 but is actually 14. He will be hysterical.
- A Southern drawl does not mean simple or stupid!
- Leadbelly and Terry Bradshaw are from Shreveport, Louisiana, and it’s where Cash and Elvis kickstarted their careers.
- Someone you met briefly through the years as a hardcore drug addict can right his life and once again enjoy the little things. And that is beyond beautiful.
- You can smoke and drink in taxi cabs in Louisiana.
- You can get a daiquiri and a shot at a drive-thru, too.
- You can spend $190 at the grocery store on one meal and spend more at the liquor store the same night and take it all down with a group that is nowhere near large enough to be able to do so.
- Your girl and your buddy’s girl may be more alike than you thought and hit it off better than you’d imagine. But when you and your buddy pitch the idea of them banging out, they will get mad at you—though they may have banged out anyway.
- Speakeasies were also known as “Blind Tigers” during prohibition. Toy tigers were placed on the tables or in the windows as code designating a speakeasy. Afterhours, when the men went in the back to drink and gamble, the tiger “turned a blind eye to them,” hence, the name.
- Mini Thins ain’t no joke!
- Tony Chachere’s is good as hell!
- You can wipeout with your buddy on a jet ski going about 50 mph and not die.
- Occasionally, a sound guy won’t do his job and will be nowhere to be found, so you’ll have to do it for him. When he finds you behind the soundboard he’ll ask, “What are you doing?” and you’ll reply, “Your job,” and he’ll calmly walk away.
- Some guys will want to fight your buddy over a friendly game of pool. They will likely have a huge beard and be able to whip their shirt off in three-tenths of a second before attacking unexpectedly. You will get kicked out of the bar, but your buddy will swindle a few free beers out of the deal.
- You can drive down a portion of highway which has been blocked off in the middle of the night in the middle of Nowhere, Tennessee, get stopped by the police, asked how you got there, reply, “I drove,” and be on your way without hassle.
- This country doesn’t need a revolution as bad as I thought it did. New York State just blows. Move out. (The revolution wouldn’t hurt though.)
- I can drive 22 hours and 1,300 miles on 3 hours of sleep and live to tell the tale of my highway heroics at 5 am over a glass of Jim Beam Black which directly follows.
- The good ol’ U.S. of A. is big, but it’s not that big. You should try it.
Ghost Town Theatre
A Remarkable Escape from Gray to Gold
Ghost Town Theatre 