The Night Niagara Falls Burned to the Ground, a Jasper Hallowes story

            It all started last September. The smoke, the ash, the soot. The sirens, the roadblocks, the bystanders. The photographs, the stories, the headlines.

            The explosion. The deaths. The fear.

            The fires.

            The worst thing to happen to this town since that little mishap back in the seventies. Love Canal they call it. The one that caused Jimmy Carter to start the Superfund project. One of the most catastrophic environmental disasters this world has ever seen. They teach kids about it across the country. It’s our claim to fame: “Look, Johnny! Don’t let this happen to you!”

            Those chemicals, the most toxic known to man, they’re still under the dirt. Lurking. Bubbling. Convulsing.

            Back then, when the atrocity was “discovered,” they threw a clay cap on the stuff, a clay cap which needs to be replaced every 30 years or so. That was 41 years ago. Give or take. Lois Gibbs, eat your heart out.

            I’ve heard horror stories that the people living nearby, the people who were told to evacuate then told it was safe to return, I heard their babies are being born with clubfoot again. Webbed fingers and toes. Cleft-lip. Miscarriages. Thick green-black sludge seeping through their basements and backyards, oozing forth with the stench of death, like hands from hell.

            The corporation responsible for the toxic sludge, Hooker Chemical, they changed their name to Oxy Chemical Corp and relocated a few miles west. And east. And north. That was all that changed. That, and the media stopped coverage of the whole thing. Must have been some big checks. Everyone still knew what was going on, we just pretended not to. There was nothing else we could do. It was all thrown in the ditch with the hazardous poison and forgotten about. Covered up. While the pollution steadily increased, Niagara Falls’ population steadily decreased.

            That’s why, last September when Oxy Chem caught on fire, no one was upset. No one, except the factory workers who lost their jobs, the firemen doing theirs, and their worried families and friends. No one, until—BOOM—it exploded like a palm full of atom bomb. The Cataract City’s population again decreased.

            The fire burned for three days and nights. A hundred tons of processed cardboard strapped tight outside the factory. A hundred tons of fuel for the flames to swallow. And digest. And grow.

           “I heard someone was careless with a cigarette,” a large woman says, watching the main event from an unsafe distance.

            “I heard it was a machine malfunction,” says a man accompanied by his kids, his wife, the dog. Everyone’s gotta see this. Everyone has their own version of the truth.

            Personally, I thought we had an arsonist on our hands. I still do. First it was those two abandoned houses on Fourth Street, then the junkyard on the north end, then the forest fire on the reservation, then Oxy Chem. Four unexplained fires in two weeks doesn’t add up.

            After the explosion though, the fires stopped. Everything stopped. The whole city stopped, once all those people died.

*                      *                      *

            How do you catch an arsonist? Most times, you don’t. Arson is one of the hardest crimes to investigate. Partly because any evidence is burnt to ash, partly because it’s so random, partly because little is known about what goes on inside the mind of an arsonist. What makes them tick… tick… BOOM.

            From what is known, they are typically angry, young men. Of course, I’m referring to the fires that aren’t set by some genius torching their own business for insurance money. The ones set by some enraged, restrained kid, searching for emancipation. His silence engulfing him just like the flames he creates engulf everything else. Fire. His outlet. His statement.

            Some people paint, some people write, some people set fires.

*                      *                      *

           The second night the factory fire raged on I was at a bar down the street. The cool cadaver-blue night was warmed by the hellish red of the blaze. The tension as thick as the clouds of smoke slowly climbing into that crisp autumn sky. I was drawn to it like an insect to a dead body, like a shark to an open wound. It sucked me in like a black hole. Like gravity.

*                      *                      *

            Fire has always had a redeeming quality for me. A mesmerizing nature. One of Bruce Lee’s most famous quotes, he says to be water. A way of adapting to your surroundings, a state of mind, a life philosophy. He says water takes the shape of whatever it’s held in, it makes its way through cracks, it can flow or it can crash. Much the same can be said about fire. It can dance or it can eat. It can create or destroy. It can lighten your world up or darken it out. Fire never sits still; it’s spontaneous, unpredictable. It’s raw power, unharnessed. Fire conquers whatever is in its path, leaving only ash and soot and smoke. It’s what matter looks like when it’s changing forms. The way it whips and whirls, swirls and flickers, it’s like a glimpse into another dimension. Another reality. Something to be near, yet to be wary of. Fire should be your role model, really.

            There are lessons to be learned from fire. Sometimes, things ignite, and you don’t know which direction they’re heading. You can’t control them. Sometimes, all you can do is sit back and breathe the beauty of tragedy deep in your lungs. You hold it in, then you exhale a work of art. A classic. A masterpiece.

*                      *                      *

            That night, as I watched the city burn, I thought, “How many times have I wanted to see this?” Now that it was happening, I didn’t like it. Fantasy and reality are two very separate things, and you’d do well to keep them that way. You want to be careful not to mix the two. You never know if that mix might explode.

            Staring at the blaze, gripped by its ever-moving fingers, I thought how no one else at the bar seemed to care. Maybe they did, only they already told their version of the truth, they had exhausted all conversation on the subject. Maybe they had family members fighting the flames right now, and they were drinking their brains thoughtless instead of dwelling on indignation. Maybe if they really cared, they’d be down the street with the hundreds of other people who pulled off the road or walked up from nearby neighborhoods to watch the disaster. Breathe it deep and hold it in—though most of what they exhaled was only hot air and ash. They were the ones who really cared. Or maybe they cared less, as they pulled their fold-up lawn chairs and coolers out from their trunks.

            Really, no one cared. Not until they or their loved ones were affected. Not until it was their husband battling the blaze or losing his job. It’s all great fun until it’s not anymore. Everyone just wanted to see some fireworks, but no one knew they were scheduled for the next night. The grand finale they’d never forget.

*                      *                      *

            The explosion rattled my house on the other side of town. It obliterated a large portion of the city. It evaporated 376 people.

            Just… gone.

            Melted. Hot air. Ash.

            The wind carried the scent of smoldering skin through the city, wailing shrieks and sirens. It rained soot and blood and body parts. It was chaos, cacophony. It was hell.

*                      *                      *

            Walking downtown weeks later, I found a broken watch in an alley behind Ferry Avenue. The face was shattered, the hands blown off. It was wrapped around a scorched-black wrist. The watch’s hands weren’t the only ones blown off. I imagined the owner’s face was shattered too. He and his watch, they matched. There was still a lot of cleaning up to do.

            Even then, black smoke and ash covered the city. The wind was strong that September, almost like mother nature wanted to see the city burn, wanted those people to die. She wouldn’t rain or snow or anything. She only watched people die, like those who died had watched the fire. She blew on the red-hot embers. She exhaled a masterpiece.

*                      *                      *

            Wind can be an arsonist’s worst enemy, or his best friend. It can make the fire-setting tough, but once the blaze is burning it can blow the flames everywhere, into a whirlwind of torture and pain and release. That’s what instilled fear in people: not just the random nature of fire, but the random nature of the arsonist. Predicting his next move was impossible. Nowhere was safe. That’s why, when the fires stopped, people were still afraid. It wasn’t the fires themselves because they ended—it was the shaking anticipation of the next blaze. It was the nerve-racking anxiety of constantly looking over your shoulder, lingering in the air like the thick, dark smoke. It was terrorism.

*                      *                      *

            That was two years ago. Niagara Falls never recovered from that night. It was already struggling, and it only grew worse. More people left and took their kids and businesses with them. Everyone was terrified. The explosion killed this town—or maybe it took it out of its misery. Who knows?

            What I do want to know is: who is this pyromaniac, and where will he strike next? Because when I woke up this morning, I had no recollection of last night. Thick, black smoke was burning my eyes. It was raining ash, my face smeared with soot. The hair on my hands and forearms was singed off, and my skin reeked of the sweet, sweet scent of gasoline…

Frozen spit (narrowly missed the cracks, on the slats of the ancient boardwalk)

and you can’t change it
there were mastodons
then, creatures of
amorphous being,
entities that couldn’t
breathe, gasping up
air

the abominable snowman
once had a carrot cock,
he pissed himself clean,
trickled hot water, melted
to a molecule, to
the staunch singularity that
started this Universe—

and the critics still say (and
they swear by it!), “He
should have held it in—”

Love Letter to No One

            Listen, I know you’re not going to understand this, but ladykillin is tough business. I know, I know—it’s always about me, I’m such a fucking asshole—I get it, I really do. Truth be told, you are better off without me. But how would you feel if you didn’t have a choice; if there were no option?

            That’s the sort of predicament I’m in, you see. You are free to walk out of my life whenever you please, you are free to go on without me. I don’t have that luxury. I have to spend each and every day, in and out, with me. I must live with the things I’ve done. Time only moves forward. Sadly, this is what I’ve become.

            There are things I long for with women. For starters: smiles, laughs, attractions, companionship; memories, arguments, joys, love; the building of something greater than ourselves; something sturdy, worn, timeless; something which transcends time and space; something drenched in alexithymia, hyper-saturated in it even; a wish, a spell, a dream; a past, a present, a future; a truth, a lie, an in-between; someone to read books with (good ones only) and watch X-Files and Twilight Zone alongside of late at night; someone to drink with and write poetry and prose and whatever else we please; someone to travel with, adventure, explore the vastness inside of us as well as out. Yes, these are the things I long for. But there are things I desire as well.

            Beginning with: the thrill of initial contact, the excitement of the question, the pleasure of not knowing someone and not realizing how awful and human they are after all; the diversity of personality, talents, hobbies; the preferences of music, fashion, tastebuds; the cohesive chemistry, or lack thereof, causing us to bond covalently or explode outrageously; the looks, the lust, the lack of liability; the scent, the soul, the surprises. Yes, these are the things I desire.

            Maybe time less spent keeps things fresh, maybe things stay new, maybe we don’t get comfortable with each other. That’s when things are at their best, that’s when we are at our peak! From there it’s nowhere to go but down! It’s the rudimentary rush we seek—not complacency nor devotion!

            I’d like to meet a girl, kiss her, then say it’s over—because we’ll never be able to do better than that! (Thanks be to Robert McLiam Wilson for that one.)

            Sex is cheap, I couldn’t give a fuck less (no pun intended). What I seek is friendship, what I seek is more, what I seek is forever… but it’s hard to convince anyone of that, especially myself, when I know I’m pulling her pants off for all the reasons except the right ones. If the magic’s gone, it’s gone. I’ll take full responsibility. But I have a secret for you. You know what?

(idontthinkitis)

            For the record: I’m jealous of anyone who gets to talk to you, see your smile, smell your skin, be within a hundred feet of you, or receive your attention—no matter how short, no matter how small or trivial. You are a Georgia peach, sweet as lemon pie! You are a complicated little creature, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Maybe someday I’ll want to settle down, but that day is not today. Until then: polygamy is the life for me. Either that, or growing writhen into a miserable, lonely old man—except I won’t be miserable or lonely. I can’t believe I even had you in the first place. I can’t believe I buttered you up and won you over. I can’t believe you ever gave me the time of day. For that, I am eternally grateful. I can look back on my accomplishments with pride—only the trophies are in my head rather than on a shelf. 

            I want them all. 

            I tried to hold myself at bay. I tried to do all things right. I did, too, but I did them at all the wrong times, with all the wrong intentions. I know this is a violent, vulgar word—diseased and despised—however, I am filled with (what can only be described as) love for you. 

            I’ve become a sinister, soul-snatching monster. An uncouth, cunning creep. A horrible, handsome human being. I’ve built them up to destroy them. I’ve given them a glimpse of light in their pitch-black lives then I’ve taken it away. I’ve spoken of romance with a heart of coal. I took your heart and ate it. 

            What can I say? 

            Better you than me.

She Sleptwalk—

I swear; I
saw her:

over trees and
through ivy,
under clouds and
down waterfalls

the thunder
never stopped her
I swear,
she sleptwalk—

through silver meadows
and up plateaus,
in rushing rivers
and drying suns
climbing nothing
on her way up!
to everywhere…

she sleptwalk,
with a seductive smile
of porcelain bone,
eating berries and
breathing air,
trekking cliffs
like shaken soda
falling down
like dirty water

falling, falling
falling—

below the waterline
falling, falling
below sea level
falling, falling

where the governor
of all this mess
is struggling to
send people up
without the call
from his comrades,
his cabinet, his
custodians to
make damn sure they
have all their
legal papers and
boarding passes—
there’s just too many
to fucking count! and
it’s getting late
and we’re far behind
and send ’em!

I swear,
she sleptwalk to the moon
she sleptwalk to the stars
she sleptwalk to the galaxies
tiptoeing all around us;
to the person who holds
true love,
to the god who
makes it real,
to the boy who
isn’t born,
to the beach where
time stands still,
to the mouth that says
ok! to the jaws that
clamp her whole…

she sleptwalk,
I swear

but what do I know?
I only wrote this while
she slept.